The power of De-escalating

As we were venturing into week three of my parenting class, I found the hardest thing to understand and implement was the power of de-escalating. I grew up with very explosive parents who showed very high emotions and mimicked a lot of our behaviors as children. When our children are frustrated or difficult, it’s natural to feel challenged ourselves. Learning to de-escalate these situations is a valuable skill that can restore peace and foster a closer relationship with your child and I’ve had the opportunity to learn and develop skills in.

Why it Matters

When children are upset or acting out, it often stems from unmet needs or emotions they haven’t yet learned to manage. By responding calmly and de-escalating the situation, we teach them essential skills for managing strong feelings, while demonstrating respect and empathy towards your child. Dr. Haim Ginott’s Between Parent and Child offers valuable guidance on this, especially in Chapter 10, where he emphasizes that understanding a child’s underlying needs can help parents respond constructively to difficult behavior (Ginott, 2003). Dr. Ginott suggests that parental responses should be empathetic and respectful, focusing on the child’s feelings as a path to connection and resolution.

As I was studying, I broke down and wrote a somewhat step to step for myself on how to do this and apply. This applies to any kind of relationship and communication we can have. Each conversation can take different things to de-escalate.

How to De-escalate

• Stay calm: One of the most effective and important things a parent can do in the middle of a freakout is to stay calm and not add to the child’s emotion by adding yours into the mix. A child often mirrors the same emotional demeanor of the parent. If the parent is calm, the child will follow. Take a moment breathe and wait to till you’re ready to address the situation. Don’t ignore it though because the child will continually seek a reaction from you.
• Acknowledge your child’s feelings: In the heat of a situation, a child needs to feel heard and that you understand why they are upset. If a child doesn’t feel understood, it will lead the child to get more upset and lash out more. Simple statements like, ” I can see you’re feeling frustrated,” or “I understand this is hard for you” validate the child’s experience. This approach suggested by Dr. Ginott, helps children feel seen and accepted, even when their behavior is challenging (Ginott, 2003)

Example: If a child is upset about not wanting to go to bed, acknowledge their frustrations and you can also express that you’re not always excited to go to bed. You can express understanding of being excited about doing something but sleep helps us stay healthy.

• Keep your voice and body language calm: This ties into the first point of staying calm. Even if the child is not operating at first you need to maintain and keep a calm voice. Body language is something children also pick up on and will resemble as well with your emotions. This aligns with Ginott’s approach to communicating with children in a non-threatening manner.
• Shift to focus to a positive solution: After validating your child’s emotions and reducing tension, gently guide your child to see a constructive way while supporting them.

Example: If a child is struggling with homework, offer to take a small break or find a different starting point together. Shifting the focus to a manageable solution can empower them to keep going without feeling overwhelmed.

The long-term benefits of De-escalation

By practicing and implementing de-escalation techniques with our children and even in other relationships, we’re not only diffusing immediate tension but also modeling healthy conflict resolution for our children and others. Research shows that children who experience calm, supportive guidance learn to manage their emotions better and seek positive resolutions in their own lives (Gordon & Field, 2023). By giving children the building blocks, we set them up for later success down the road in their own personal, professional, and family lives. Both Dr. Steinberg’s and Dr. Ginott’s works emphasize that responding with empathy rather than severity strengthens the parent-child relationship and builds a foundation for positive behavior.

Sources and help

Steinberg, L. (2004). The ten basic principles of good parenting. Simon & Schuster.

Ginott, H. G. (2003). Between parent and child: The bestselling classic that revolutionized parent-child communication. Three Rivers Press.